There Is No Wanter

INTRO:
"These are words I put down on a single day, hardly a month after my wife died. A mall, a supermarket, home. I have only now been able to look at them."

By Vincent R. Pozon

There Is No Wanter

So it is true what they say

I arrive at the second floor of a mall where
there is a Greek restaurant and I worry that
the air is filled with smells that will affect her

though she is not with me

In supermarket aisles I have scoured
through the decades I instinctively search
for what she can eat The rare chocolate

she can take The coffee she wants so hard
to find I am forever aware of her wants
and now there is no wanter

So it is true what they say

you are aware of her more after More on days
you pull out socks she gave you There was news
of a storm approaching I felt the need to tell her

though she is not with me

I break down in the middle of the aisle
I am reminded of the oil she says
I should apply when my shoulders hurt

There's salmon in the frozen section
but it is dead to my eyes Nothing calls
Nothing screams from the shelves Nothing has flavor

Save for liquor for later

She was disappearing already in the hospital bed
lighter daily as I helped the nurse lift her
by the sheets for a more comfortable recline

So it is true what they say

the ache is in the after not during the wake
not in the hospital holding your face as you died
the many I love yous and hoping you heard

They say it was half an hour
and four injections trying to bring you back
I sought a corner in the room while waiting

and wanted the two walls to swallow me
Now I bring you with me to every task
I am home and a child is on a swing

that needs oiling I speak to a picture
and smile at it She will wonder
why I moved something

I live in her
not her in me